23/08/2007
Emmanuelle: Uncut
‘Emmanuelle’ is probably the most famous soft porn movie of all time. If you’re 14 you will fucking love this film. I’m 24 and I quite like it too, though I probably live much the same kind of life as a 14-year-old – better in fact cos I don’t even have to do homework, how cool is that!
‘Emmanuelle’ tells the story of a beautiful young French woman who is sexually awakened through a series of erotic adventures (officially the best type of adventure) when she follows her husband to Bangkok. Its star, Sylvia Kristel, is perfectly cast, bringing a sense of innocent purity as well as sexuality to the role. Mind you, that was 30 years ago; I imagine she’s a bit of a jaded old fuck-coffin by now.
In almost every way, this is a film designed to help sad single men slap themselves off. It even has its own ‘wanking theme’ – a cheesy musical refrain that comes in just before the sex scenes, presumably to let you know that the good stuff is on its way. Unfortunately, like so many other films of the genre, ‘Emmanuelle’ insists on including a slimy intellectual veneer to justify its existence. Towards the end we meet Mario, an aging lothario who teaches us his Philosophy Of Sex. ‘I want us to journey into the unknown, beyond the looking glass of reality,’ he tells Emmanuelle as she is being done up the bum by a sweaty Thai peasant. If you’re still watching by this stage, it means you’ve got about 5 minutes left so you probably want to crack on. Otherwise this pretentious wank is the only one you’re going to get.
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